Today was Lilly's endoscopy. I always have a pit in my stomach on the days when my kids are going to be put through something that they shouldn't have to endure. The day started off pretty good. Julian got off to school, and then our sitter came to watch Alex for us, so Chris and I could be there with just Lilly. Lilly did good this morning and didn't mind (of course) not eating breakfast. We got to the hospital and checked in to the children's hospital day surgery and they took us right back to our room. The hospital was really nice and the people seemed really good with Lilly. They made every effort to put her at ease, bringing in bubbles, books, movies and toys to keep her occupied. They were running on time and even got us in a little early. The nurse did great starting her IV, although Lilly wasn't too pleased. Then it was our turn and they let Chris and I walk Lilly to the procedure room. I sat on the bed with her until she was asleep and then laid her down and we went back to our room to wait. Up to this point it was going great. This was suppose to be about 15 minutes long, and the doctor came out about 45 minutes later saying that they had to intubate Lilly because she was coughing and needed to protect her airway for the procedure. (usually this doesn't happen). She said they would be waking her up and bringing her out. She was suppose to come right out and wake up with me like she had never left. I should know by now that things never go as they should with me. About 10 minutes later, I heard Lilly crying from the procedure room. They said she was having problems with congestion and they were suctioning her and having problems with her O2 sats and keeping O2 on her. I wait just a little bit longer and then get really upset. So, Mamma bear enters the room, and tells them to let me calm her down. ( I don't know if they really appreciated that but that is my baby). They bring her out and I hold her and rock with her and it takes a good while to get her calmed down. To say the least, she was extremely pissed off. Who can blame her. She wakes up with an extra tube down her throat which is uncomfortable, and is having trouble breathing because of all the mucous, and is in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people. Every time the nurse attempted to do anything to her she just got more mad. The nurse said she should have been a red head. I said she definitely is my little fighter. She has more fight, determination, strength and resilience than a little girl should have, but it is who she is and why she is here. We were concerned that they may have to keep her overnight to watch her if her O2 sats didn't improve. Who goes in for a little bitty outpatient test and possibly gets admitted? Us!She finally settled down and was able to get some sleep and wake up the right way- with mommy and daddy with her. The O2 sats stayed above 90% without the oxygen and they finally let us go home. We wanted to thank everyone for the calls and texts checking on Lilly. Thank you also to everyone that offered to help do anything we needed them to do. I know several of you were ready to come down at a minutes notice to help and we greatly appreciate it.
I have mixed emotions on days like this. I hate putting my children through things like this today, but we were hoping that we would receive some answers as to why Lilly doesn't eat much and have no desire to eat. She still has significant reflux and gets pretty uncomfortable with it, and food moves pretty slowly through her stomach. We didn't see any obvious reason today for this, which is good and bad. Sometimes, I wonder why God makes us endure things. I know everything is suppose to make us stronger, and he doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I feel like my plate is full. I feel guilty saying that because I know there are so many people out there with so much worse to deal with. I feel so blessed to have my 3 beautiful children and I will take whatever gets dished out to me, but its so hard being the mom watching your kids hurt, be scared, or sick and there's nothing you can do to help. When they said that being a mom is the toughest job in the world, it truly is.
I do thank god every day for having the opportunity to be Lilly's (and Julian and Alex's) mom. There is a reason why she is here. She has had to be the underdog since conception and has already molded her into the person she is to become. I pray that she continues to have her fighting spirit and look forward to what she is going to become.
